It’s
with great pleasure and a swollen sense of self-importance that I welcome you
once again to the prestigious annual DV Awards. At a time of year when you the
viewers at home vote for gordknows how many ‘Best Of’ listings for 2012, the DV
Awards offer a unique opportunity.
You
don’t have to call in, email or ‘like’ anything on Facebook. In fact you’re not
allowed to participate at all. Prestigious and highly-prized, the DVs are the
least democratic awards in the world. Thoroughly unsatisfactory, far from
comprehensive and only occasionally comprehensible, DVs are awarded by a biased
and subjective jury of one.
So sit
back and relax. Your vote doesn’t count and it never will!
First lucky winner
this year is Michael Noonan, whose rant about Ireland’s relationship with the
Greeks wins the Bertie Ahern DV for Treating People With Utter
Contempt. By explaining that we didn’t really need Greece in the EU,
because all we got was feta cheese and summer holidays, he treated us to a
display that revealed the depths of his ignorance and ineptitude. I was
cringing with embarrassment, and I’m not even Irish!
The impressive
winner of the Mitt Romney DV for Excellence In The Field Of Doublespeak
works at the Galway Transportation Unit. Responding to questions posed by this
noble rag’s most excellent Dara Bradley about the late completion of the
traffic light conversion at the Font Road roundabout, he explained that there
was a
“… difference
between delays and not making deadlines.”
The Charlie
McCreevy DV for Excellence In Mathematics goes to the crack team in
Galway City Council who failed to count the number of exits on the Menlo
roundabout, before planning to replace it with a roundabout. 5. Pretty big
number. Not surprised they got confused.
Loaded
with more chutzpah than New York City, this year’s winner of the Alex
Ferguson DV for Having Some Bloomin’ Nerve Saying That is the Ulster
Bank. Having screwed up monumentally by failing to remember that bit about
backing up your computers, they left their clients (me) unable to access their
accounts. We had no idea whether we were still paying out Direct Debits while
not receiving incoming payments. It felt like a complete mess, but then they
made it a mire, trying to score good PR by issuing a ‘guarantee’ that no
customers would be out of pocket as a result of their technical problems.
WOW!!
Thanks guys! My bank is guaranteeing not to rob me. How generous of them.
Now’s
the time our DV Awards move away from the national and international, to
concentrate on the local. Quite possibly you’ll disagree with my choices, but
the beauty of it is I don’t care.
First
and foremost comes the most important meal of the day. The Fat Bastard
Colyoomist DV for Best Breakfast in Galway goes to Lohans pub in
Salthill. My once-a-week treat is embarrassingly important to me, and when I
sit at a table in Lohans, looking out of the window across the bay to the
Burren, all I have to do is ask for a full Irish with tea. Unlike so many other
places, Lohans’ Full comes with 2 eggs, vital for combining all the other
ingredients. They bring the tea and toast out to you pronto. There’s already
sugar, milk, butter, marmalade, ketchup and black pepper on the table, so I
have to ask for nothing. The Boat Inn in Oughterrard comes a close 2nd, because
it opens early, feels calm and their waitresses are so friendly, even if
there’s only one egg in their Full and no marmalade in sight.
The
big shock of the year comes in the shape of Le Petit Delice on Mainguard
Street, who win the Low Carb No Carb We All Love Sugary Carbs DV for
Best Bakery, because their grub is totally yummy. Being a soft git from
wayback though, it’s impossible to ignore Griffins Bakery, so they pick up the More
Rare Than An Honest Banker Lifetime Achievement DV for decades of
consistently superb bread, the best sausage rolls ever and several inches on my
waistline.
The Osama
bin Laden Best Daytime Hideaway DV goes to Monroe’s, where the chilled
atmosphere and smell of woodsmoke is conducive to hours of newspaper reading,
with a pot of tea (she runs the mug under the hot tap - class!) and an
excellent cheese and ham toasty for just over fiver.
The
Jack Taylor DV for Gently Grumpy Daytime
Drinking goes to O’Connells legendary bar on Eyre Square, where whiskey and
peace and quiet mingle with the murmuring of middle aged men.
The
Cuban Missile Crisis DV for Terrifying Periods of Time
goes to the five days in 2012 which harboured 3 tragic Irish fiascos: an
illegal referendum was passed, followed by thousands of students being forced
to leave college due to an administrative failure, followed by the crushing
loss of Savita Halappanavar due to weak and unclear abortion law.
Five days. I do
love this country, but sometimes...
… which brings me
rather smoothly to the last two inseparable DVs. The Would You Ever Stop
Giving Out About Us Every Week In The Paper If You Don’t Like It Here Go And
Live Somewhere Else DV for Worst People in the World goes to the
Irish, for swallowing all the lies about debt, being ridiculously subservient
and keeping your bums on your seats while handing over your money to keep the
Troika happy and the rich rich.
Finally and oh-so
appropriately in this land of paradox, the From Mary Robinson To Michael D
Higgins There’s Hope for Us All DV for The Best People In The World goes
also to … the Irish, for being compassionate, witty, wonderful and smiling as
soon as the sun comes out.
See you in 2013!
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