Welcome one welcome all to the annual event you can’t bear to miss! This year’s DV Awards will be announced directly after your scribbler’s ‘Best Of’ stuff, because let’s face it, we’re all gorged and grogged out. Our brains are moving like slugs through gravel, while our distended bellies feel as if somebody else has moved in and taken up home there. The only information people are able to absorb at this time of year has to come in list form, so here goes:
Best thing I did in 2013: Adopting Lady, a 3 year-old Lab-Collie cross from the marvellous folk at madra.ie
Stupidest thing I did in 2013: Completely over-doing the walking when Lady arrived, thereby rekindling an old knee injury, with pain that has now spread to my ankle. Interesting test, in that my love for the dog increases at exactly the same rate as the pain I endure exercising her.
Best meal of 2013: Any I didn’t cook myself.
Best restaurant meal in 2013: The Mustard Seed at Echo Lodge, Ballingarry, Co. Limerick. Dan Mullane’s personality, style and flair for beautiful food combine to make you feel special. That’s a rare and beautiful thing.
Best place to take a break from life 2013: Rosleague Manor Hotel, Letterfrack, Co. Galway. Mark Foyle and his long-serving amiable team create an ambience where all is tranquil and refined, yet nothing is starchy or ostentatious.
Enough already with this self-indulgent nonsense. It’s time for the main event, so without further ado, we’ll open this year’s DV Awards with the Colm Keaveney DV for Opportunistic Bravado 2013, which goes to the Irish government's Bank Debt Deferment Deal, a despicable piece of political postioning best summed up by Father Ted, via Facebook:
“This debt is large, but it’s far away!”
So sad to see the Irish turning from a people who kept their money under their mattresses to hide it from their English overlords and save it for their children, to today’s version that’s merely sweeping the debt under the carpet, to hide it from their own eyes, saving it for their children for deal with.
Next up comes the DV Darwin Award 2013 for someone whom Humanity would benefit should they be taken out of the gene pool. No problem awarding this baby to one Wayne la Pierre of the US National Rifle Association. After yet another of the countless school massacres in the USA, he issued a statement saying:
“The only thing that stops a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun.”
Go now, Wayne. Depart. Leave us humans to live better lives.
Sticking with politics for a while longer, the coveted Whoever You Vote For The
Government Gets In DV 2013 goes to Fianna Fail, doubtless Ireland's natural party of government. The only thing that was immediately and absolutely evident when the death of Fianna Fail was announced after the last general election was that they would most certainly win the next.
They’ll be back, because you’ll vote for them. Yes you will, because this shower might be just a little bit straighter and slightly less corrupt, but they’re so damned dull. Many Irish are still drawn towards chancers with big German cars, wads of cash and smart Italian suits. They look like they’re really living the life, so they do. You’ll vote for them next time. I know you will.
Slightly scatological but no less fun, the Can You Be Sick In Two Directions At Once? DV 2013 is shared equally between Gerry Adams’ hypocrisy in giving out about Magdalen apologies but not the Disappeared, and Enda Kenny’s emotional efforts, which, to my surprise, seemed to dupe the majority of the population. Maybe I’m a hopeless cynic, but I didn’t believe his remorseful tears.
The team behind the annual DV Awards are very keen to keep a positive edge to proceedings, so with that in mind the Dick Spring In The Step DV 2013 for surprising us in a good way goes to Sinn Fein’s Pearse Doherty, whose oratory makes a welcome change from Cowen, Noonan and all the other mumbly blatherers. Doherty speaks to us, the public, in a way that nobody else can.
No, I’m not about to become some horrific kind of Stockholm Syndrome Londoner Convert to ‘CIRA RIRA Let's Have A New RA’ and all that, but it’s great to hear a man who can talk with compassion, clarity and charisma.
The Michael Lowry Shame On You DV 2013 goes to President Obama, for failing to close Guantanamo Bay while encouraging use of drone attacks in Pakistan. Shame on you. ‘Nuff said.
The So Shameful I Cant Even Joke About It DV 2013 goes to the late Savita Halappanavar. All those millions spent on Volvo Races, Ironman triathlons and god knows what to put Galway on a global stage, and there’s my mother ringing from London to tell me she’s just seen Galway Hospital on the BBC 6 o’clock news.
One of everyones favourite awards each year, the Pots and Kettles DV 2013 goes to the inestimable Bono, who showed both a formidable amount of denial and subconscious self-awareness when asked for a comment at the death of the late great Seamus Heaney:
“I admired him because he managed to avoid the arrogance and creeping sense of entitlement that so many people suffer from.”
You said it Bono. We couldn't have put it better ourselves.
Is it that time already? But we haven’t had time to mention the Anglo Tapes, or our new 21st Century folk heroes, the online Whistleblowers.
Still there’s always time for the most important award of all.
The Best Place To Live And I Should Know ‘Cos I’ve Been Around DV 2013 goes, as always, to Galway City and County, along with all the people (well, nearly all!) and places on Ireland’s west coast, from Mizen Head to Malin Head.
Tha-tha-tha-that’s all folks! Happy New Year to all my colyoomistas!