Sunday 13 January 2019

A CURIOUS COCKTAIL OF POKER CHIPS AND DEGRADABLE PLASTIC!


Come on. No good sitting here.
 

Time to get cracking.

If only I didn’t feel so lethargic.

My body is telling me to rest and my mind isn’t exactly fighting the idea either, but rest is not on my menu today.

I’m truly tempted to stay here, sitting by the fire with my mate, who’s working his way through a backlog of Match Of The Days, but no.

I’m moving house in a couple of weeks so my mood is neither here nor there. Ideally I’d be leaping enthusiastically into this process, but after months of painful chaos I’m exhausted.

Challenges always feel less daunting when I’ve made a plan, which this time is mind-numbingly simple: do it room by room, carload by carload, until there’s only furniture left for the van.

Nobody’s going to do this for me, but how hard can it be? Muttering mantras about longest journeys and first steps, I head off to my bedroom to find and pack up the nooks and crannies of my life.

In a plainly pathetic effort to make it more fun for myself, I decide to turn this sorting of worldly possessions into a TV show called Keepers or Crappers!

Do you love it or need it?
If not, bin it.

Off we go with round one, which entails sitting on the floor and opening the door of my little bedside table.

What might be in here?
Not a clue.

Ah, my playing cards and bag of poker chips.

Keepers.

I’ll be a complete stranger in the place I’m moving to, and in the past I have found poker a way to make friends, especially as I tend to lose.

Reaching for the carrier bag I lift it out of the tiny cupboard to watch, as if in slow motion, the bag disintegrate in front of my eyes, allowing light plastic poker chips to explode to the floor and rebound energetically -


 - running under the bed -
 - rolling under the bedside table -
 - rolling further, under both chests of drawers -

… and what
… and how
… and please no!
 

No no no!

In my hands I’m holding the raggedy handles of what merely seconds ago appeared to be a bag, but the plastic in my hands is all that remains of it.

Beneath me, a pile of recently liberated poker chips lies completely enveloped in a dry soup of beige dust.

I know plastic eventually degrades, but there’s no way this bag has been in that cupboard long enough to disintegrate like that.

Now, instead of heroically plunging into my packing, I have to get the hoover out, move all the cupboards in my bedroom, find and fish out the errant plastic discs and somehow wash off the powdery remains of what the bag has become from all the chips, the floor and oh, I want to lie on my back, kick my feet in the air and wail like a baby:

“Which part of this is making progress towards a carload of boxes?”

but I don’t, because I’m a grown-up and that’s not deemed acceptable behaviour, unless
you want the funny farm on your family crest.

Could the packing of my stuff have started in a more trying way? Well, I suppose I could’ve accidentally cut my arm off. That would’ve been much worse, and no less likely than a disappearing bag.

Making appropriate grunting noises as I struggle to my feet, I look at the tatty remains in my hands, and see that behind the beige background there are hundreds of tiny lines of green printed words running all over it

Sitting on the side of the bed, I unfurl the last inches of complete bag that are stuck between my fingers, and peering closely discover that those lines of words all say the same thing: ‘biodegradable plastic bag’.

Oh that’s bloody great.

I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m all for biodegradable plastic bags. Don’t tell the others, but I’m a big fan of all those survival shows on TV, when a bunch of obnoxious humans get dumped on a island in the middle of nowhere.

The level of human obnoxiousness might rise and fall, but the one constant factor, wherever they are in the world, is that the beaches will be strewn with plastic bottles and waste.

It’s deeply sad and maddening so yay, absolutely triff, let’s find a way of making plastic disappear, but - and right now this is a bit of a deal breaker for me - please let us know clearly, in no uncertain terms, when the bag you’ve given me is going to crumble into dust in a few years.

What’s that?

Why don’t I use the eyes in my head to read what’s printed all over the bag?

Yeh well, you would say that, wouldn’t you, and go away and I never liked you anyway.

As I sit here and write this I know that there are still poker chips hiding under wardrobes in the bedroom. I hoovered up all the skunky gunk and dusted off all the chips, only to find they were still covered in manky grey goo.

Can’t give guests I haven’t even met yet poker chips covered in manky grey goo, so I washed them off in the sink, and then spent ages trying to find a way of laying them on tea towels and draining boards, so that they could all dry, because I needed to get on with packing my stuff.

Didn’t work, so I gave up and dried each one individually, by which time it was dark, and I had to cook dinner.

Not a single box packed. Guess today wasn’t the day I was meant to start packing.

Should’ve just chilled and watched footie with my friend.

Ah well, next time I move, I’ll listen to my body.

Mind you, I hope by then I’ve long forgotten all about this curious cocktail of degradable plastic and poker chips.



©Charlie Adley
13.01.2019.

Sunday 6 January 2019

I BELONG IN THE WEST OF IRELAND!



“How was your trip?”

“Great, thanks!”

“So what did you get up to?”
 

“Oooer. Blimey. So much.”

Inside my skull my brain spins this way and that, like an agitating tumble dryer loaded with conversations.

Standing in the away section of Watford FC’s Vicarage Road, on narrow concrete steps between my friend and other middle-aged men who make me feel less than fat. 


All have anoraks zipped up over their half barrel bellies, and before the game they seem jolly and avuncular.

I laugh at something said, at which point the True Blue behind me turns and asks

”So who do you want to lose it most - Liverpool or Spurs?”

Here in the heart of Chelsea’s diehard supporters I know this is not the time for me to go off on one, opining about how I love the game whenever it’s played well, and how watching both those teams at the moment is a pleasure.

No. I say exactly what I’m meant to say.

“If it’s got to be one there’s only one it’s got to be, ain’t there.”

He nods and approves, as I have correctly shown my understanding of the age-old rivalry between Chelsea and Spurs.

It’s impossible for me to be at a Chelsea game and not mourn for my father. He first took me to Stamford Bridge when I was a boy of nine, and then he bought me a season ticket seat next to his.

We went to Wembley twice together for cup finals and those Saturdays spent together forged eternal bonds, to which I’m happily shackled today, ten years after his death.

That’s why I sang my heavy heart out when the Chelsea fans decided to celebrate Christmas by belting out a roaring rendition of our Yuletide classic, to the tune of ‘The First Noel’.

“Out from The Shed came a rising young star,
Scoring goals past Pat Jennings,

From near and from far,
When Chelsea won,

As we all knew they would,
The star of that great team was Peter Osgood!
 

Osgood, Osgood!
Osgood, Osgood!
Born is the king of Stamford Bridge!”


Who cares about rhymes at times such as this?

Then the game started and this cosy Band of Blue Brothers around me instantly transformed into beings of incandescent rage, bile and hatred.

Guess I was out of practice. Hadn’t been to a game for years. I’d forgotten what it’s like.
 

Here I live a gentle life in which it’s unusual to encounter public displays of outright aggression.

The bloke next to me, with whom I’d been sharing a giggle, was now using every ounce of strength in his body to reach out his pointed finger and scream at the linesman, not 10 yards way.

“‘Ere you f***king moron, did you get that f***king Hitler moustache for f***king  Christmas you f***king blind c**t.”

They were all at it, behind me, below, all of them, sending my mental tumble dryer back to a conversation with a taxi driver the day before.

The car rental companies were asking silly money for the festive season and there were no buses, so I took taxis when lifts weren’t available, enjoying the company of intelligent, sensitive cabbies who, given the time of year, were mostly Muslims.

“So why’d you leave England, then?” he asked.

“Because I felt so tired of the anger. So many people in England exist a hair’s breadth from a fight, and that’s not the world I want to live in. Don’t get me wrong, mate, I love England and I’m proud to be English, but I just don’t want to live here, that’s all.”

He laughed. As a cabbie he completely understood.

Back in the stadium, as if I wasn’t missing my dad enough, the Chelsea fans burst into a rendition of the Liverpool slum song, which may have had some political poignancy in 1967, but now sounds like the soundtrack to a vile black and white newsreel, running around the ground.

Overwhelmed by memories and the power of the crowd, I forget who I am and find myself singing along...

“You look in a dustbin for something to eat,
You find a dead cat and you think it’s a treat…”


I’d packed my Chelsea scarf, but before we left for the game I asked my mates if I should wear it. What’s the story, these days?

Both decided I was better off not to, just to be on the safe side.

Mental tumble rumble tumble as I reflect on how shocked I felt years back, when I saw my Dublin friend who lives in Mayo give his son the blue jersey to wear.

“Isn’t that asking for it? Won’t he get beaten up in school?“

“Not at all!” scoffed my friend, in his rich deep voice, ”We all stand together here!”

Away from the mindless hostility, football offers refuge and benign escapism to middle aged men. We watch, follow and support out teams without question. You win draw or lose and you play well or badly.

It’s a no-brainer.

I gave both the friends in this story team shirts, even though one’s a Tottenham fan!

It was a no-brainer.

We like no-brainers, men do. Just watch us shop.

Tumble away to more cabbie conversations.

“So how does all this Brexit stuff look to you over there in Ireland? Are you all wondering why the English chose to vote for recession?”

From strangers and my closest kin I enjoyed much care and kindness. I sat on my sister’s sofa with my 89 year-old mum on my left, a friend of 45 years to my right, holding my baby great-nephew in my arms.

How was my trip?

It was wonderful and hard, sad and joyous. 

It was easy and exhausting, a pleasure and essential.
 

I felt loved.
I felt both lost and at home in the place that I come from.

Only here in the West of Ireland do I feel I belong.

©Charlie Adley
06.01.2019