As my friend told me about his latest motorcycling escapades, my brain drifted off, deep into the past.
“You know who you’d’ve liked, mate? Freebase Kevin!”
Pushing his chin and bottom lip up towards his nose, he frowned and tilted his head to the left.
“Nah, don’t think I’ve ever met him. Was he from Galway, Cha?”
“Well, Freebase did make a few appearances in Galway, but he was first invented when I lived in Cambridge, back in 1981. I’ll fish out some old copies mate. I’m pretty sure you’d like them, if I can find ‘em!”
The people of Cambridge were divided into two spheres: town and gown. Working as a sales rep, I was defined a townie, but my social life was completely student gownie.
Many of my lifetime friends from London were students at various colleges, and as one who worked for a living, I was seduced by their ethereal dream of a lifestyle.
I loitered in their subsidised bars, stuffed my face with luxurious foods at picnics on Midsummer Common, and enjoyed drunken dawn punt rides up the Cam to Grantchester.
Many of the students were intensely irritating and supremely ignorant of what others called the real world.
Their fingernails had experienced neither dirt, nor oil nor grease, and I felt the urge to slag them off, so I started writing a column about a townie, called Freebase Kevin - the drug-crazed biker, letting him ride roughshod over their prissy privileged student existences.
Much to my delight, Freebase’s column started to appear in the Cambridge University Broadsheet.
Apparently at that time I was the first non-student ever to have a regular slot in the student zine. Evidently, to their credit, they enjoyed a good slagging off.
Back home from Galway, I pulled piles of old folders out of the cupboard.
They say a writer should never throw any work away, but I’ve been scribbling my whole life, so ancient stuff gets whittled down, with a little ending up in an ancient brown folder called Old Misc Doings.
At this stage I was well aware I’d strayed from my task of finding Freebase Kevin for my mate. I’d fallen down the rabbit hole of self-indulgence.
You know how it is when you’re looking through an old family photo album, and see pictures of yourself as a young thing. You know it’s you, but find it hard to remember just what that person was like.
Well Old Misc Doings is like that for me, in paper form.
Crammed with yellow aged paper, from a time when computers only appeared in Bond movies, the pages were either written on typewriters, or drunkenly by hand.
The most mystifying aspect of my time travelling exercise came wondering why I’d kept this drecky love poem, or that semi-illegible scrawl about the scent of London hedges.
There were plays in there, written in the mid 1980s for a girlfriend who was a drama student.
One of them called Tiresias Perceives was a particularly pretentious little number, involving four characters, two of whom were Lil and Albert from T.S. Eliot’s The Waste Land, who spoke only in lines from the poem.
More of my execrable love odes were followed by another play, and then ah, there they were. Episodes 3 and 4 of Freebase Kevin’s adventures in Galway, from 1994.
No sign of 1 and 2, but really, who cares.
Freebase Kevin had stowed away with his bike on a boat that he thought was heading to the Isle of Man TT races, but accidentally ended up in Ireland.
Alongside Double Vision in this noble rag, I was then writing three columns in a Galway paper that I think was called The Bugle, edited by Tuam’s inestimable wordsmith and songwriter, Seamus Ruttledge.
I wrote Pink O’Bum - The Petulant Politico and Swami ben Carpenter - The Muse With the Views, but it was Freebase who lit up the faces of young Galwegians.
Forever up in court, he addressed Galway’s late Judge as “Caravan, your mobilehomeship”, and struggled with the swarms of New Agers offering crystal remedies and rebirthing on Galway’s 90s streets.
But ah, now, here, what was this?
A torn third of an old yellowed page, with three handwritten notes:
Landlord is undertaker. (have another?)
Courtroom leaks, so it resumes in pub.
“PoitÃn a bit rough around here!” says the Guard.
As soon as I read those notes, three little windows opened to a time (around 1992) and a place I used to frequent.
Long before Brendan Gleeson’s irreverent lawman hit the screens, I’d met a shamelessly honest uniformed cop at this bar, who told me he had to drink here as the local moonshine wasn’t worth thinkin’ about.
Laughter down the bar grew as the landlord exhorted a decrepit not far from death:
“Go on and have another bloody voddie! Them feckin’ coffins don’t pay for themselves, d’ya know, and I have a shtack of ‘em in there.”
Over in the far corner, a well-dressed group talked earnestly in whispers.
“Tourists?” I asked the Guard.
“No, that’s a wee trial going on there. The rain’s coming down fierce inside the courtroom, y’see, so they’re finishing it off in here.”
I remember well where that was, but do you?
A rare and special DV award will be awarded to the first colyoomista out there who tells me the name of the bar and the village.
©Charlie Adley
25.08.2019.
In a voice that sounds like old china looks, the government minister blathers about Brexit on the radio.
If I wasn’t driving I’d take advantage of his washed-out lifeless tone to send me off to Snoozeville.
Instead I talk out loud to him, like you do when nobody’s looking.
Well actually, I don’t talk at all. I shout and swear, verbally attacking and demeaning him with venom that can only exist - and only be exposed - when you’re alone in the car.
He’s explaining how it’s vital that businesses in the Republic prepare for a No Deal Brexit.
We’ve got to make sure we’re aligned with our suppliers and customers. Are we ready for currency fluctuations, international tax differences and good God and all his mighty tiny creatures, would you ever shut up man?
He’s touched a nerve. A nerve that’s been going into spasm recently.
If I was the owner of a manufacturing business, the minister’s advice might be relevant. Yet as a self-employed entity, the last thing I need is to hear more of the horrors of No Deal.
I’m far too aware of it, and fear the repercussions for deep-felt personal and professional reasons.
Before the financial crash of 2008 I was making a fairly healthy living from freelance writing.
Along with this colyoom, I had a monthly column in the Farming Supplement (yes, you did read that right!) of the Irish Examiner and regularly sold features to the Irish Times, Irish Post and Irish Examiner.
I’ve never considered myself a journalist. That’s a skill set I don’t possess. I’ve never written a news story or covered an event.
Instead, as a writer, I’ve somehow managed to get away with selling whatever I feel like writing.
Before I took up writing professionally I worked in a plethora of corporate jobs which sapped my soul and destroyed my spirit.
Fortunately I never felt like that when working for non-profits. When training a teenage football team, caring for a professor with Alzheimer’s, or teaching an autistic boy, I knew my efforts were not wasted. At worst I’d done no harm.
Loving what you do for a living is one of life’s greatest gifts.
I know how my industry works. After the crash, newspapers cut their freelance budgets as swiftly as their advertisers cut their ads. Columns and features disappeared overnight.
My friend and teacher, the Israeli writer Iris Leal told me decades ago that the first duty of a creative person is to apply their creativity to designing their life, so that they can be creative.
Faced with my own financial disaster, I took her advice and that of a sensei friend: be like a bamboo. Stand strong and tall, but be able to bend and flex when fierce winds blow
I devised and started to teach my own Craft of Writing Course, which I’m delighted to say has turned into a successful enterprise for all concerned.
Being a vocational writer helps a great deal, as I’m able to invest in my teaching the same passion that I feel while writing.
My course deals with the skills of the craft, so it’s more practical than pretentious. All writers can improve our use and understanding of the craft.
Back in my car I’m giving out loud and large to the minister, who’s not going to be offering me any help.
After being flexible and creative in 2008, the likelihood is that both of my income strands will frizzle and die after a No Deal Brexit.
Newspapers still see freelance as a luxury, and my students sign up with what’s left of their disposable income, after paying the bills and feeding the kids.
At least, I hope they do.
Don’t want any fish fingerless children out there on my account.
Watching Johnson’s predictable strategy unfold is unbearably painful. Living out his Churchillian fantasy, he’s amassed his War Cabinet and revels in the idea of a nation in crisis relying on his leadership.
Clearly he never intended to negotiate with the EU. Nobody in the UK can see past what Johnson’s team laughably call the ‘undemocratic backstop.’
We’ve all been backstopped up to our backsides, but let’s get one thing straight: it’s a UK border backstop, not an Irish one.
Nobody’s screaming that had they accepted the Withdrawal Agreement, the UK would have 2 years to negotiate a trade deal, negating the need for the backstop.
Instead for Johnson it’s all about No Deal and winning an election, by combining his adoring Tory supporters with Brexit Party deserters and Labour’s lost Leavers.
If that means the people will suffer, well, that’s never stopped a Tory heartbeat before.
My pain is personal because I love both countries, and dread the hatred being stirred up by Dominic Cummings’ execrable anti-Irish propaganda, cascading from Downing Street onto Red Top and tabloid TV headlines.
Already we hear every day trash talk of the intransigent EU, and insulting lies about the Irish.
No Deal will damage relations between my native country and adopted home for decades, challenging a fragile peace process, causing ructions in my heart and craters in my bank account.
Good reason to make the most of these remaining months of relative peace. If you fancy learning new skills, why not sign up for my course? I’ve only one place left, so the first deposit/payment I receive will be at the table.
If you're interested please contact me now at: charlieadley1@gmail.com
Charlie Adley’s Craft of Writing Course
Thursdays, 7:15 - 9:00 pm,
8 weeks: September 5th - October 24th.
€120/110.
Westside Resource Centre, Galway City.
©Charlie Adley
18.08.2019
Over the bridge I go. The meadowsweet and cow parsley at the side of the road stay the same, yet the lines on the road turn white, the signs turn black and white and kilometres turn to miles per hour.
Back in the UK again.
Back where I came from, but am I, or (if you’ll excuse a little Plastic Paddyism from this Englishman) amn’t I?
Already I feel inexplicably ill at ease, just as I always do when I’m in Northern Ireland.
The other side of the invisible border, I stop in Belcoo for a bite to eat, and manage to make an arse of myself.
Before I’ve had the chance to spend a minute contemplating the history of these 6 counties, or dwell for a moment on my confused personal gumbo, that feels some of me comes from here, some from down there, there comes the quandary of language.
I’m fairly tuned in to the Republic’s accents. I can tell a Cork from a Kerry, which can prove exceptionally helpful if you’ve no private medical insurance, and I know my Dub and Donegal.
The Northern Irish accent is the default Irish accent in England. There was yer man in Corrie, and more often than not when I was a kid, if someone was Irish they were from Ulster.
Well, that’s what the English say, but even that’s not right. Their Ulster is just six of the nine counties of Ireland’s northern province.
After growing up amongst Ulster accents, you might think I’d have a pretty good grasp of it, but apparently not. I’ve only been across the border for 30 minutes, yet already failed quite handsomely.
My first accent-induced blooper came before I’d even left the house.
I was on the phone, setting up the time and place to meet the man in Enniskillen. I was just about to say goodbye when he suddenly proclaimed the name of a Middle-Eastern terrorist:
“Al Tuckshya!”
“Sorry?”
“Al Tuckshya!”
Should I respond in kind? Should I ‘Al Tuckshya’ him back, sort of like “As-Salaam-Alaikum - Wa-Alaikum-Salaam” or “Shalom aleichem - aleichem Shalom” as we say it?
But this bloke was neither Muslim nor Jew, so what was he on about?
Then my brain showed tiny signs of life.
I understood.
“Oh good god man! I’m so sorry! My accent, your accent, dunno, sorry. Yes, thanks, text me if anything comes up. Cheers!”
With that encounter fresh in my memory, you’d be forgiven for hoping I might’ve been a little bit prepared to deal with the razor sharp consonants and italicised vowels of County Fermanagh.
After a BLT and a coke, I head to the counter to pay, patting myself on the back that I’ve remembered to bring Sterling.
Turns out it didn't matter: all the prices are in both currencies.
“That’ll be eighteen, thanks.” says the young lass behind the bar.
I take a step back.
“Sorry? How much?”
“Eighteen, thanks!” she repeats politely.
“Eighteen quid for a toasted sarny and a coke?”
“No! Eight ten!”
“Oh sorry about that. I can be really thick sometimes.”
So far so not very good at all. Haven’t even made it to my destination and I already screwed up twice.
Climbing into Joey SX I drive off, remembering how, on my first visit to Northern Ireland in 1993, I encountered The Troubles before I’d even arrived in Belfast.
I’d stopped at some traffic lights outside the city, when a blue saloon screeched to a halt, level with my van.
If Frank Gallagher from Shameless had a brother, it’d be this fella.
Winding down his window, he leant half his body out of his car, yelling and screaming at me, with some highly unattractive adjectives, to go back to where I fuckin’ came from.
Despite being a stickler for language, I managed to resist a strong temptation to wind down my window and, using my plummiest Public School accent, explain:
“Look here old chap. As it happens you couldn’t have made many more erroneous assumptions if you’d tried. You see, I’m an Englishman, proudly born and bred, and although my fine transit van is indeed adorned with the registration plates of the Irish Republic, it was purchased in London, from British Telecom, who I think you’ll find are quite British. Now, if I correctly caught your drift, you’re advising me to go back to where I came from. Well, I’m here already. Now be a good sort and drop the abusive accusations, old salt. I’m one of you, dear heart.”
Instead, ever eager to avoid unnecessary confrontation, I sat staring straight ahead, gripping the steering wheel, paralysed by fear.
That was before peace came, and later in Enniskillen I wander out for a gently nostalgic whiskey ramble.
Seems only proper order to drink a Bushmills up here, and it’s delicious, as is the next one.
Then I switch to Scotch and sip a Famous Grouse for my Dad, and then another, because I miss him.
Paying homage to my adopted home country, I finish off with a Redbreast 12.
Bloody lovely.
Wandering the late evening Enniskillen streets, I see that Arlene Foster’s imposing constituency office is next door to a psychic healer.
A bit of DUP and then you need some Reiki.
If only more people had voted Conservative in the last General Election (yes, I did actually write those words!) there’d be no need to heed the DUP.
The EU border could have run down the Irish Sea, and we’d all be No Deal free.
One day maybe I’ll feel relaxed in Northern Ireland.
Until then, lost in the mystery of where I feel from when up there, I’ll be the anti-Morrissey, with my English blood and Irish heart ... who still watches The Ashes...
©Charlie Adley
11.08.2019
