Thanks for shopping with us! Your order will be delivered in multiple packages.
(Oh gord, that means you’re going to send me two copies of all your bloody emails.)
Our courier has received your order!
Our courier has received your order!
(I really couldn’t care. Just get my stuff to me.)
You’ve left something behind. Please see below the socks left in your basket.
You’ve left something behind. Please see below the socks left in your basket.
(I didn’t leave them in my basket. I chose not to buy them. Stop it, stop it, right now.)
Your order is on the way!
Your order is on the way!
(I bloody hope so. You’ve taken the money from my credit card, so if my stuff wasn’t on its way, you’d be robbing me. No running commentary necessary. Just bring me my stuff.)
Your order has been delayed. We are very sorry but due to volcanic eruptions in the South Pacific and the star B652a34 going Supernova, your socks and shirt won’t arrive on Wednesday the nth, but probably Thursday the nth.
Your order has been delayed. We are very sorry but due to volcanic eruptions in the South Pacific and the star B652a34 going Supernova, your socks and shirt won’t arrive on Wednesday the nth, but probably Thursday the nth.
(I really couldn’t care. When you declared that initial delivery date I took it as advisory rather than compulsory, because I have been through this shite before.)
Your order has left the warehouse!
Your order has left the warehouse!
(Oh good god. Give it a rest. I don’t feel the need to tell you I’ve eaten my breakfast once, let alone twice. You’re doing what you exist to do, so shut up and just do it.)
Your order has been shipped to the courier!
Your order has been shipped to the courier!
(My bowels moved this morning. My bowels moved this morning. Tell me how much you needed to know that. No more nor less than I needed to know that a courier has my socks. And a courier has my shirt. And a courier has my socks. And a courier has my shirt.)
Your order has left the courier!
Your order has left the courier!
(Why? Shouldn’t it have stayed with the courier? Now I’m confused, as I drown in all this shitey spammish bollocks you keep sending.)
Your order is out for delivery!
Your order is out for delivery!
(I know. I got it yesterday. Very nice, thanks, and hopefully that means an end to all these emails. But what am I talking about? I really should know better.)
We really want to know how you feel, so please fill in the short review section below to share how you enjoyed your shopping experience with us.
We really want to know how you feel, so please fill in the short review section below to share how you enjoyed your shopping experience with us.
(Believe me, you really really don’t want to know how I feel about my shopping experience with you. Just go away and leave me alone.)
Hi there! You seem to have forgotten to review your shopping experience!
Hi there! You seem to have forgotten to review your shopping experience!
(Fuck off out of my life right now. I’ll never shop with you again, you hassling harassing sycophantic synthetic sons of Hades.)
Would you like to apply for our credit card?
Would you like to apply for our credit card?
(Would you like a kick up where the sun don’t shine?)
***
Meanwhile in the real world, I walk into a shop on a high street.
“Hello! I’d like these socks and this shirt, please.”
“Great choice. That’ll be €43.99, please, when you’re ready.”
“Thanks.”
“Thank you. Now here’s your receipt. We’ll look forward to seeing you again.”
“Oh I’ll be back. Lovely shop, stock and staff. Thanks so much.”
“Well I'm very happy to hear that. Bye then.”
“Bye!”
©Charlie Adley
02.09.2023
