Friday, 14 October 2011

Can an Adult Burger legally change its name to Cherry Pie? Does an Adult Burger have the right to Same Sex Partnerships?

image from

There are Burger King leaflets all over town, offering
Free Fries And Drink When You Buy An Adult Burger.

Does the beef in an Adult Burger have to be 18 years old?
Can Adult Burgers marry the fries of their choice?
Can an Adult Burger legally change its name to Cherry Pie?
Does an Adult Burger have the right to Same Sex Partnerships?
When oh when will the day come that all Adult Burgers have the right to vote?

Now, my loyal colyoomistas, we can hide no longer.
We must turn and face our fear.
There can be no more procrastination.
This is the time we have to confront that most profound and perplexing question, the very conundrum that all the above flippancy works so hard to avoid.

Well, actually, that’s not entirely true. There is still one tiny and slight tangent we must travel. Before we’re ready to delve into the massive philosophical quandary of
‘Why is an Adult Burger?’
we must know the answer to
‘What is an Adult Burger?’

At this juncture all I can tell you is that we know precisely what it is not, because on the voucher is printed ‘excluding Hamburger, Cheeseburger, King Deal Meals and Breakfast menu.’ So we can safely conclude that an Adult Burger is anything that’s not a hamburger or a cheeseburger or breakfast.
Limitless options open.
That’ll do for me, Tommy.

Now ponder well and let me know, is an Adult Burger a burger for adults, or is it a grown-up burger?
Do Burger King want adults to buy Adult Burgers, thereby making them loyal and frequent customers with or without their kids? If so, methinks in a valiant effort to pinch punters from the Golden Arches, the Home of the Whopper is rather missing the point. Adults eat in McDonald's and Burger King because apart from it being cheap and fast, by doing so we relinquished all adult responsibilities. For a short time, we don’t have to think about cooking, washing up, or worry our tiny minds with such minor trifles as nutrition and health. No, we get to feel a lickly bit childish as we tuck into our American Franchise sandwiches.

Eating burgers is nothing to do with being grown up.
It’s about knowing that as far as your food goes, you don’t have to be an adult at all. In this mind frame of reckless abandonment, you don’t even have to feel the slightest bit embarrassed hearing yourself say out loud in public

“Double bacon cheeseburger with fries and a vanilla shake, please!”

Maybe the folks at the Home of the Whopper have some understanding of psychology. Maybe Adult Burgers were invented so that kids could pester adults by pleading...

“Pleease paaaleeeease can I have an Adult Burger? Papapaaleeeease mum paaaleeeese?!?!”

... so that they can feel really grown up and choke on jalapeno peppers.

Sure, there’ll be some Joe the Plumber types out there who’ll want to order the most Aberdeen Angus USDA-Approved Hairy-Chested Adult Burger smothered in hot pepper and so-not-a-Kiddie Meal that simply ordering such mature fare just proves he must have a huge penis, but mostly, for the rest of us meek and sensible creatures, we’ll order a Whopper and have a little giggle that it’s just a bit rude.


Davey said...

Adult burger, hmmm? A typo maybe? The middle 'r' transposing a 'g'; an invitation to team up with Ronald's Whopper?
Or perhaps it's an offer only available to fine upstanding public servants of Bavarian market towns. Are children allowed to be Burghers? Dunno.
It certainly baffles the mind; burger me if I know what it means...

Charlie Adley said...

Did wonder about that myself. Strangely, it might be exactly where the word comes from, as in a ham burger eaten in Hamburg by a Ham Burgher.

It's a real patty really, because it sesames a bit of a pickle, - Lettuce leave it dill the next time!