More than any other time of
the year, when we sit around our dinner tables on Christmas Day, we are aware
of who is there and who is not.
At the age of 17, having
performed impressive acrobatics with my Yamaha 250, a saloon car, a ditch and a
barbed wire fence, I spent six weeks in hospital over Christmas and New Year.
My femur was snapped in two, which is no mean feat with thighs like mine, and
my tibia had a crack or two as well. Bed-bound, with my leg in traction, I
developed a bronchial chest infection after an emergency operation.
Every two seconds for six weeks
I coughed in hacking spasms, thus shaking my smashed leg, which was hung in a
sling, supported by a metal pole they had driven through me, just below the
knee.
Suffice to say I came to
terms with pain.
In our part of the ward,
there were four beds and three bikers with broken bones.
There was Kev, who had fallen
off his sleek and mean Suzuki GT750 (a two stroke 3-into-1, since you ask), and
opposite us two was brick shithouse Yorkshireman Gary, ex-SAS, and mighty
embarrassed, having survived several covert tours of duty in Northern Ireland,
to have to admit to falling off a Honda 125.
Compared to the other
patients in the hospital the three of us were well off.
We were not sick. We'd had
our operations, and apart from antibiotics for wounds, and pain killers for
broken bones, we needed very little medical attention.
We were young, male, bored,
and allowed to drink beer. Naturally, we tried to attract the attention of the
student nurses as much as possible, and equally, they were happy to have a bit
of a laugh with lads who were not ill, physically, at least!
By the time Christmas came
around, the three of us were well aquainted with all the student nurses, and
then we were told we would be allowed to drink spirits during the Christmas
period.
So we did.
We got plastered, if you’ll
pardon the pun, and so did the student nurses. We persuaded them that by having
a tipple or three with us they were really doing their jobs, because they were
helping us through a difficult time.
On Christmas morning, the
Consultant Surgeons came around the wards, carving the turkeys at our besides,
and general merriment was had by all.
Karen, my favourite student
nurse, had had a lickle ickle bit too much to drink. She pulled the curtains
around my bed, produced a half bottle of vodka from under her skirt, and taking
some lemonade and a clean specimen bottle from my bedside cabinet, mixed us up
a festive cocktail, after which she gave me a lovely snog, and left me feeling
a million dollars.
Looking back now, I can only
think how wonderful she was, because not only was I away from my family
Christmas table, but so was she.
After the Christmas pud, we
were all wheeled out of the ward in our beds, and taken to a large and crowded
area, where the staff were putting on a Panto for the patients.
Gary’s wife, (a woman of such
substantial proportions and brooding menace that she clearly put the fear of
god into our man of iron) had turned up with several cases of brown ale, and so
we sat up in our beds, enjoying the show, drinking frothing foaming pints of
beer from plastic glasses.
Half way through the
performance, I realised I needed to pee. I’d done precious little but drink all
day, and now I really really needed to go, all of a sudden, with the fiercely
demanding urgency of someone who knows that he cannot go.
There was no way I could ask
anybody to wheel me to the loo. To get me and my bed out of that area would
have meant interrupting the show, and causing a kerfuffle that would spoil
everything for everybody.
So I did all I could do.
I drained my pint glass of
beer, and, errr, then I refilled it!
In my drunken state, I
decided it made perfect Archimidean mathematical sense.
Reaching out of my bed, I
placed the foaming frothing pint onto a shelf, and watched the rest of the
show, making a mental note to remember to pick it up afterwards and dispose of
it myself.
Trouble was, when the lights
went up, it was no longer there, and to this day I do not know whether some
unfortunate alcoholic scrumper thought his luck was in.
Free beer! Whoopee!
Best not think about that too
long.
But on Christmas Day, please,
let’s all for a minute think of those who have given up their day to work: to
serve us with safety in our homes, at sea and overseas; those who comfort and care, and those who
volunteer to help others without a home to go to.
If you spare them a thought
and give thanks, you won’t be far off pleasing whichever God you might worship!
Happy Christmas, Diwali,
Hannukah and Solstice, and may your god go with you.
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