Monday, 31 December 2012

Roll Up! Roll Up! It’s time for the 2012 DV Awards!


It’s with great pleasure and a swollen sense of self-importance that I welcome you once again to the prestigious annual DV Awards. At a time of year when you the viewers at home vote for gordknows how many ‘Best Of’ listings for 2012, the DV Awards offer a unique opportunity.

You don’t have to call in, email or ‘like’ anything on Facebook. In fact you’re not allowed to participate at all. Prestigious and highly-prized, the DVs are the least democratic awards in the world. Thoroughly unsatisfactory, far from comprehensive and only occasionally comprehensible, DVs are awarded by a biased and subjective jury of one.

So sit back and relax. Your vote doesn’t count and it never will!

First lucky winner this year is Michael Noonan, whose rant about Ireland’s relationship with the Greeks wins the Bertie Ahern DV for Treating People With Utter Contempt. By explaining that we didn’t really need Greece in the EU, because all we got was feta cheese and summer holidays, he treated us to a display that revealed the depths of his ignorance and ineptitude. I was cringing with embarrassment, and I’m not even Irish!

The impressive winner of the Mitt Romney DV for Excellence In The Field Of Doublespeak works at the Galway Transportation Unit. Responding to questions posed by this noble rag’s most excellent Dara Bradley about the late completion of the traffic light conversion at the Font Road roundabout, he explained that there was a

 “… difference between delays and not making deadlines.”

The Charlie McCreevy DV for Excellence In Mathematics goes to the crack team in Galway City Council who failed to count the number of exits on the Menlo roundabout, before planning to replace it with a roundabout. 5. Pretty big number. Not surprised they got confused.

Loaded with more chutzpah than New York City, this year’s winner of the Alex Ferguson DV for Having Some Bloomin’ Nerve Saying That is the Ulster Bank. Having screwed up monumentally by failing to remember that bit about backing up your computers, they left their clients (me) unable to access their accounts. We had no idea whether we were still paying out Direct Debits while not receiving incoming payments. It felt like a complete mess, but then they made it a mire, trying to score good PR by issuing a ‘guarantee’ that no customers would be out of pocket as a result of their technical problems.

WOW!! Thanks guys! My bank is guaranteeing not to rob me. How generous of them.

Now’s the time our DV Awards move away from the national and international, to concentrate on the local. Quite possibly you’ll disagree with my choices, but the beauty of it is I don’t care.

First and foremost comes the most important meal of the day. The Fat Bastard Colyoomist DV for Best Breakfast in Galway goes to Lohans pub in Salthill. My once-a-week treat is embarrassingly important to me, and when I sit at a table in Lohans, looking out of the window across the bay to the Burren, all I have to do is ask for a full Irish with tea. Unlike so many other places, Lohans’ Full comes with 2 eggs, vital for combining all the other ingredients. They bring the tea and toast out to you pronto. There’s already sugar, milk, butter, marmalade, ketchup and black pepper on the table, so I have to ask for nothing. The Boat Inn in Oughterrard comes a close 2nd, because it opens early, feels calm and their waitresses are so friendly, even if there’s only one egg in their Full and no marmalade in sight.

The big shock of the year comes in the shape of Le Petit Delice on Mainguard Street, who win the Low Carb No Carb We All Love Sugary Carbs DV for Best Bakery, because their grub is totally yummy. Being a soft git from wayback though, it’s impossible to ignore Griffins Bakery, so they pick up the More Rare Than An Honest Banker Lifetime Achievement DV for decades of consistently superb bread, the best sausage rolls ever and several inches on my waistline.

The Osama bin Laden Best Daytime Hideaway DV goes to Monroe’s, where the chilled atmosphere and smell of woodsmoke is conducive to hours of newspaper reading, with a pot of tea (she runs the mug under the hot tap - class!) and an excellent cheese and ham toasty for just over fiver.

The Jack Taylor DV for Gently Grumpy Daytime Drinking goes to O’Connells legendary bar on Eyre Square, where whiskey and peace and quiet mingle with the murmuring of middle aged men.

The Cuban Missile Crisis DV for Terrifying Periods of Time goes to the five days in 2012 which harboured 3 tragic Irish fiascos: an illegal referendum was passed, followed by thousands of students being forced to leave college due to an administrative failure, followed by the crushing loss of Savita Halappanavar due to weak and unclear abortion law.

Five days. I do love this country, but sometimes...

… which brings me rather smoothly to the last two inseparable DVs. The Would You Ever Stop Giving Out About Us Every Week In The Paper If You Don’t Like It Here Go And Live Somewhere Else DV for Worst People in the World goes to the Irish, for swallowing all the lies about debt, being ridiculously subservient and keeping your bums on your seats while handing over your money to keep the Troika happy and the rich rich.

Finally and oh-so appropriately in this land of paradox, the From Mary Robinson To Michael D Higgins There’s Hope for Us All DV for The Best People In The World goes also to … the Irish, for being compassionate, witty, wonderful and smiling as soon as the sun comes out.

See you in 2013!

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