Time to renew my travel insurance, so online I go to check out a few quotes.
In the past this was pretty simple - around 70 smackers for a worldwide year of insured travel, but well into my 60s, I have several of what insurance types call ‘pre-existing conditions.’
I could of course pretend I don’t, but insurance companies just love not paying out, and I’m buggered if I’m going to give them a chance to nullify a claim.
Say I lost my suitcase and everything therein, but they somehow found out about my dodgy knee.
You could spend several hundred years trying to ascertain what links these two issues, apart from my good self, but link them they will, and then take great pleasure in telling me my policy is invalid.
“But but but my belongings are not lost because I have a torn meniscus!” I cry in outrage.
“Makes no difference, puny human. Be gone before we sue your sorry arse for lying to an insurance company, and oh yes, remember, your call is very important to us."
The initial quote looked very reasonable, but once I’ve told them I had half a lung cut out, and yes, this does affect my breathing, and yes, there’s a couple of other chronic conditions attached to my lungs as well, their premium calculator spins into hyperdrive.
All of a sudden I’m looking at having to fork out several hundred spondoolicks.
As the amount due inflates, so the health issues covered start to shrink. Now they’re saying that they won’t cover me for anything to do with breathing, which includes blood issues, heart issues and, well, y’know, life in general.
Breathing’s pretty high up the old Being Alive Pyramid.
While I wonder why the price is going up at the same time as they’re refusing to pay out for just about everything that might go wrong with a human body, I advance to a page on their website that - s’cuse me - takes my breath away.
We’ve established I’m somewhat limited breathwise, so why on earth are they now asking me if intend to enjoy an insane list of sporting activities on my travels?
Of course it’s reasonable to ask about scuba diving and skiing. Even, at a stretch, not beyond the bounds of possibility I might at some juncture get up on a horse, a camel or even a nellyphant.
But they want to know if I’m planning to attempt any of the following:
Assault course.
Breathing observation bubble diving, maximum depth 30 metres, under 14 days. (What even is that??)
Paragliding.
Parachuting.
Parapenting.
(Parapenting? Answers on a postcard please!)
Ostrich riding.
(Really? I mean really? Have they seen me? Well, no, obviously not, but I have never met anyone who has wanted to ride an ostrich, or even talked of or mentioned in passing a penchant for ostrich riding.)
Manual labour at ground level, no machinery or power tools. (On holiday? Why why why?)
Canyon Swinging.
(Errrm, wot? Does that mean Tarzanning across the canyon, or having sex with the neighbours near a canyon?)
Dragon boating.
(See above re: Errrm wot?)
Gorge swinging.
(More outdoor nookie?)
Hydro speeding.
(Perchance taking amphetamines while underwater?)
Mud buggying.
(Yet again, no idea)
Tree top walking
(Or any other supernatural or Jesus-like activities…?)
Wadi bashing.
(Beating up a dried-up river bed? Why? Is that really a thing? That river bed has done nothing to me. I mean no harm to dried-up river beds. I’m a lover not a basher.)
And finally…
Zorbing.
(Is that the opposite of absorbing?)
I could look up each sport or activity or whatever the hell Cat Skiing is, just to make sure I won’t be doing it by accident on my travels, but hey, you know, life’s too short, especially with all my pre-existing conditions.
Clearly there are people out there who like nothing better on holiday than a few hours manual labour after a good morning’s ostrich riding.
If you ever meet one whilst enjoying a bit of Zorbing, please let me know.
©Charlie Adley
08.12.2023
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