Friday, 27 October 2023

Time to break all my rules. Sometimes I have to.

The knee’s pure agony. The war’s cutting deep slices into my soul. My lungs are well gippy and ah, look, my tomatoes are finally ripe.

Time to break all your rules. Sometimes you have to.

 

Crusty white bread. I never buy white bread, but today has to be crusty white bread.

 

Dry Cured rashers, 97% if you don’t mind. Haven’t bought bacon for two years, but that’s what we're talking here.

 

Unsalted butter. Makes no sense, you’d think, with the all that salt in the rashers, but I swear the toasted white bread tomato tangy rasher topped slices will taste better unsalted. 

Sugar in my tea. No, two sugars in my tea. Never put sugar in my tea, unless in shock or gravely hungover.

Noticed over the decades that me and many of my testicular brethren find Autumn tough on our mental health.

Maybe the mists damp down our spirits.
I call Autumn Male Depression Season.

Time to break your rules: two sugars in the tea; crusty white bread; dry cured rashers; unsalted butter and my own tomatoes.

And yes, hipsters, a little drizzle of himself the extra Virgin.

No ketchup; no HP. Not this time.
Just a celebration of me ‘matoes.

By god, it helped, and I need all the help I can give myself.

©Charlie Adley

27.10.2023

 

Saturday, 2 September 2023

High Street shopping beats High Speed Broadband!

 

 

Thanks for shopping with us! Your order will be delivered in multiple packages.

(Oh gord, that means you’re going to send me two copies of all your bloody emails.)

Our courier has received your order!
Our courier has received your order!

(I really couldn’t care. Just get my stuff to me.)

You’ve left something behind. Please see below the socks left in your basket.
You’ve left something behind. Please see below the socks left in your basket.

(I didn’t leave them in my basket. I chose not to buy them. Stop it, stop it, right now.)

Your order is on the way!
Your order is on the way!

(I bloody hope so. You’ve taken the money from my credit card, so if my stuff wasn’t on its way, you’d be robbing me. No running commentary necessary. Just bring me my stuff.)

Your order has been delayed. We are very sorry but due to volcanic eruptions in the South Pacific and the star B652a34 going Supernova, your socks and shirt won’t arrive on Wednesday the nth, but probably Thursday the nth.
Your order has been delayed. We are very sorry but due to volcanic eruptions in the South Pacific and the star B652a34 going Supernova, your socks and shirt won’t arrive on Wednesday the nth, but probably Thursday the nth.

(I really couldn’t care. When you declared that initial delivery date I took it as advisory rather than compulsory, because I have been through this shite before.)

Your order has left the warehouse!
Your order has left the warehouse!

(Oh good god. Give it a rest. I don’t feel the need to tell you I’ve eaten my breakfast once, let alone twice. You’re doing what you exist to do, so shut up and just do it.)

Your order has been shipped to the courier!
Your order has been shipped to the courier!

(My bowels moved this morning. My bowels moved this morning. Tell me how much you needed to know that. No more nor less than I needed to know that a courier has my socks. And a courier has my shirt. And a courier has my socks. And a courier has my shirt.)

Your order has left the courier!
Your order has left the courier!

(Why? Shouldn’t it have stayed with the courier? Now I’m confused, as I drown in all this shitey spammish bollocks you keep sending.)

Your order is out for delivery!
Your order is out for delivery!

(I know. I got it yesterday. Very nice, thanks, and hopefully that means an end to all these emails. But what am I talking about? I really should know better.)

We really want to know how you feel, so please fill in the short review section below to share how you enjoyed your shopping experience with us.
We really want to know how you feel, so please fill in the short review section below to share how you enjoyed your shopping experience with us.

(Believe me, you really really don’t want to know how I feel about my shopping experience with you. Just go away and leave me alone.)

Hi there! You seem to have forgotten to review your shopping experience!
Hi there! You seem to have forgotten to review your shopping experience!

(Fuck off out of my life right now. I’ll never shop with you again, you hassling harassing sycophantic synthetic sons of Hades.)

Would you like to apply for our credit card?
Would you like to apply for our credit card?

(Would you like a kick up where the sun don’t shine?)

***

Meanwhile in the real world, I walk into a shop on a high street.

“Hello! I’d like these socks and this shirt, please.”

“Great choice. That’ll be €43.99, please, when you’re ready.”

“Thanks.”

“Thank you. Now here’s your receipt. We’ll look forward to seeing you again.”

“Oh I’ll be back. Lovely shop, stock and staff. Thanks so much.”

“Well I'm very happy to hear that. Bye then.”

“Bye!”

 

©Charlie Adley

02.09.2023

Thursday, 3 August 2023

When I was your age, I could flyyyy…

Race Week 1992: I step off the boat from France, onto Irish soil for the first time. Double Vision starts in print six weeks later, and after thirty one years I’m still inflicting DVs upon you.
Below find one of my most cherished encounters, described in a DV from April 2005, during the Cheltenham Festival.

**8

 

Stepping out of the Westside bookies I stop in my tracks. Beside my car Betsy the Blue Bubble, another is now parked, and a young woman is helping an older woman out of the back door.

She’s taking her time to emerge, so I hang back.

For once, I’m in no particular rush, and realise that if I walked up to my car now, the lady might feel under pressure, possibly even intimidated or embarrassed.

So I wait at a distance, as gradually she emerges from the silver Nissan in an elegant slow-motion swirl.

Feeling it’s now okay to move closer, I walk towards my car, only to see said woman clutching a healthy wad of €50 euro notes.

She stands for a moment like a statue, as if frozen in mid-run, poised like a predator with scent on the air, her body pointed toward the shops.

As a gun dog at a kill, her head slowly moves along the row of buildings, her eyes scanning for prey.

“It’s over there, Ma, the blue building on the far right!"

A second after assimilating her daughter’s directions, yer wan raises her hand with wad of notes high above her head, and marches at high speed directly towards the bookies,

Any more confident stride I am yet to see.
Poopers! I wish I knew which horse she had!

With a Galway smile etched onto my face, I turn back to the cars, wondering at how great it is to be living in Ireland, where an older lady can feel safe waving her dosh around like that.

Just as I’m about to open my car door, the front door of the same Nissan opens to reveal an older gentleman, who for the life of him looks like he stepped out of an Irish Tourist Board advertisement.

He couldn’t have looked more Auld Ireland.

Impeccable, with tweed jacket, flat hat and blackthorn cane, he turns his freckled lined face to me, and I smile back.

As he talks, his long chin moves up and down.

His eyes betray the weariness of age, although they shine too, with humour and a sparkle of gentle wit.

“Ye’ll have to be patient young man!”

“Oh, absolutely!” says I, not feeling particularly young, and eager to put him at his ease.

“There’s no rush,” I offer, “It’s a lovely day, and the races don’t start for another hour!”

By now he has swung his legs out of the car, and I hesitate to offer a helping hand, because he radiates an atmosphere of individuality and independence.

He stretches out his arms in well-practiced manner, and assuredly lifts himself out and up
onto his feet.

“Ah, yes, everything takes a little longer than it used to…”
he explains, as he turns back into the car to reach for his cane,
“…and on occasion, that can be a very good thing!”

As this septuagenarian’s double entendre sinks into my mind, a coin through jelly, happily surprising me on its merry way, he walks right up to me, engaging me close, eye to eye, his breath on my chin.

“Mind you…” he whispers, somewhere between wistful and a challenge,

“…mind you, when I was your age, I could                                  flyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy..............”

As he exhales the last word, he lifts both his voice and hand high to the sky, and for a second or two, I believe he could.

We stare into the other man’s’ eyes, laugh, and wish each other good luck on the gee gees.

I drive off, thrilled that a gentle encounter with a perfect stranger has left me enthralled; charmed; inspired.

 

 

©Charlie Adley
03.08.2023

Saturday, 29 July 2023

Immoral, magnificent, the Galway Races offer the essence of Ireland!

 
Around the world there are great cites that define the essence of their country.
 
Not national capitals, these are yer second favourites: much-loved places of culture, art and inspiration, like San Francisco, Liverpool, Melbourne and Galway.
 
Galway City is only Dublin's poor relation in economic and demographic terms. To this Englishman, Galway City is pure Ireland, and Race Week is the triple-distilled spirit of Galway City.
 
Ergo: Ireland is Race Week; wonderful and horrendous; immoral and magnificent.

Oh yeh, and it sends you mad. Stark staring cuckoo. Whoever you are, and whatever you're doing, if you are around Galway City during Race Week, it will infect you, as sure as a gee-gee has a leg at each corner.

Kitchen porters are clanging and rushing; chefs pouring sweat while barstaff fill buckets; hoteliers hop; gamblers and cards sharks a-pumping; prossies a-jumping; priests go insomniac with the overtime; the streets overflow with eaters and drinkers and dresses and hats, plastic pint glasses and a billion fag butts.

Up above choppers fly everywhere, buzzing-bizzing like is this a flashback or a film?

Spot the difference: Galway during Race Week and the set of Apocalypse Now.

Horror.
The Horror.

The Mystery.
The marvellous madness.

What’s a fella to do, as the song says. Thunder clouds roll in and it’s sweaty. The flies are out and it’s Race Week.

On Thursday morning Siobhan from Claregalway spends hours in front of her long cupboard mirror, checking her accessories.

She’s broke but hell, she’s going anyway.

Tommy from Salthill, well, nobody’s seen hide nor hair of him for days, but that’s the way it is in Race Week.

He’ll get himself into a card game and you won’t see him ‘til he’s done. Used to be a problem back in the day when the kids were young, but now, well, to be honest, it frees up his long-suffering missis for a few days. So everyone’s happy.

Himself from Ballybrit is delighted to be back working the door at the Owners and Trainers Bar, watching the good money coming in and the bad money going out.

He’s grinning to himself at the pittance he’s being paid compared to these Fianna Fail gombeens.

He’s watching it all and lapping up the scenery. There’s yer trainers and owners, coming and going, and then there’s all these other yokes who are looking for nothing but a little bit of information, d’y’see? 

Just a nod or a wink from the bloke who owns a fetlock and Colm from Roscommon is on to his phone to do the betting faster than the Heineken floods cold nectar into his glass.

Then there’s the players. The really class ones are the types most people miss, but Himself on the door, he sees ‘em, because he’s learned to spot people hiding in plain sight.

Relaxed, happy, calm, but sucking up the hottest angles, placing the biggest bundles on the nose. They’re not yer each way betters.

He smiles as he thinks of it. No, these aren’t yer each-wayers. These are the players.

The work is good, he’s happy for it, but the watching, listening and learning, that’s better than a banker’s bonus.

Well, no, not better than a banker’s bonus, but great craic. Rather be doing it than not, safe to say.

Siobhan’s met up with her friends in Eyre Square, and they're heading up to the course on the bus. They were going to get a taxi, do it in style, but there was a bus right there, so wha’the.

Her mates all look amazing and it’s just a kickin’ day out.

She’ll get the first round in. That’s it, she’ll get the first bottle of bubbles, that way everybody’ll remember and nobody’ll notice that she doesn’t do much betting.

She’d budgeted for her share of a taxi,  but the bus was a money-saving godsend. Thank you God, she says to herself, as she listens to Anne-Marie’s story about and a lad called Brian and bottles of Bulmers.

As long as the bubbles aren’t too crazy expensive, she might even have a bit left to bet with, too.

Now that’d be a laugh alright. She’s working part-time in the Londis round the corner, and hitching to lectures at NUIG. Loans and rent and life’s not all fun, but you have to sometimes.

Sometimes you just have to, and today is Ladies Day.

After his stint working the door, Himself is back in town, sitting outside Coili’s, watching a fire juggler across the way.

Turning to the grey-haired boho next to him he says:

“He’s alright, s’pose, but not good enough for Johnny Massacre Corner!”

The man replies: “I am sorry. Who is John ze Masterpiece, pliz?”

Himself smiles. “S’alright mate, no bother.”

What was he thinking? Like yeh, really, the guy’s gonna be a Galwegian, tonight, in Race Week!

Cork’s got jazz and Kilkenny makes comedy and hurlers. There’s the All Ireland Finals at Croker, but that’s a couple of hours sport with a day and night’s drinking.

The nation comes to Galway for a week, but this is not merely some pathetic endurance test.

Back when Plate Day Wednesday was the big day, when the meeting ran only a few days, the Galway Races were no less significant.

There’s a depravity, corruption and decadence to the affair that cannot be ignored, but putting aside the traffic and the pavement pizzas for a moment, the best part of Race Week is the spirit of the city.

Galway soaks up the farmers, politicians, insurance brokers and hairdressers. They are all welcome to have their own parties, to gamble and screw each other, or gently sip tea and suck Galway oysters from the half shell.

Siobhan’s eye liner is a disaster by the time she’s back on Quay Street. The cobbled streets are a total mare to those heels now, ouch, bleedin’ exhausted, pure bubbled out, but nobody noticed about the money.

Now they want to go for a drink. She’s enough for one and the bus home.

“Coili’s for the music?” asks Roisin.

So they head up High Street, and in the distance, Himself spots Siobhan, and she kinda catches his eye.

What’s a fella to do?



©Charlie Adley
29.07.2023

Friday, 21 July 2023

Without this weather would we lose the place we love?


True to form, everyone has forgotten the wonderful late Spring and early Summer we enjoyed this May and June.

We walked under sunny dry cloudless skies for six weeks, but a fortnight of sodden July has erased from our brains all we then enjoyed.

The rains came exactly when they always do: just as festival season hit Galway.

Humid damp air cooks under morning hot sunshine, conjuring towering thunderclouds by midday.

We console ourselves with "We don't live here for the weather!" but that’s becoming less true with each warming year. 

I’ve lived in San Francisco and Melbourne, yet take the weather of the West of Ireland weather every time.

Wise words were spoken to me during a deluge decades ago.

October late evening, the rain roaring sideways up Dominick Street, I sought shelter in a shop porch opposite the Left Bank Café.

Crammed in beside me, an old bloke (think: Del Boy’s’s Uncle Albert) was lifting his head and smiling like he’d just picked the winner.

Together we watched as blankets of water ripped off the Atlantic Ocean, powered up Dominick Street, torrents of insistent swirls, dancing silver under the street lights.

“Tell me, without this weather would we lose the place we love?”

Impressed by his sensing I love it here, I stared into his eyes with a look that said

“Do what? Go on then, I’ve bitten.”

We turned our heads together, back out into the rampant bleakness;
both knowing well that this was not a passing shower;
that we would have to brave it and deal with the consequences.

Turning to me one again, Shorty White Hair threw back his old head and laughed maniacally.

“God’s gift to Ireland!” he screamed above the clamour of the storm. “God’s gift, the RRRAAaaaiiin!” he cheered.

Not really in the mood for theological debate, I resisted the urge to reply

“Well ta very much, God!”

instead settling for the more respectful:

“How’s that then?”

Delighted, he launched into his spiel, which was, I must admit, entrancing.

“Without the rain there’d be a hotel on every clifftop. Without the rain there’d be caravans and mobile homes as far as you can see. Without the rain there’d be millions of tourists here every month of the year and the farmers would go broke and sell up to build more hotels and the land would be gone and the space would be filled. Without the rain everything you love about Ireland would be gone.”

Silence fell between us.

Somehow this stranger could not have summed up better what I love about the West of Ireland. Almost beyond the compassion, warmth and wit of the people, I adore the pace and space of the West.

Step out of your shower in Florida in July and you instantly need another shower. The towel won’t take the water off you.

Humidity sucks, but not water from skin. Sleepless nights, above the sheets, scared to move an inch to break sweat.

Horrible.
No thanks.

In Rome they're telling people to stay indoors.
In Greece; Canada; everywhere, it burns wild and terrifying.

I’ve seen a forest of blue gums with their bases intact and untouched, their canopy still alive with green leaves, with all between scorched charcoal black.

The fire moved so fast it didn't have time to take the tops and bottoms of the trees.

70 mph fireballs racing from each exploding eucalyptus to the next.

No thanks.

When I lived in the Redwood Empire, it stopped raining in May, and you most likely wouldn’t catch a drop ’til mid-November.

By that time, frazzled beyond reason, I was that eedjit dancing with joy in the downpour in the library car park.

Irish weather is terrible, and as Autumn already threatens, consider this: wherever you live in Connacht, you’re never more than 20 minutes from somewhere stunningly beautiful.

If you step out of your bus or car and stand in the middle of nowhere for 15 minutes, you’ll be giving thanks, feeling privileged to live in this extraordinary part of the planet.

We have so much empty space. Wildflower meadows pop up in vacant lots between launderettes and pubs on Irish streets.

Here in North Mayo, I can walk for hours without the sound of distant traffic. I lie in my bed in the morning and listen to plaintiff donkey brays crashing through the air, pheasants gawaaaaghrrrk-ing.

Our mountain sides are empty.
Our clifftops are grassy, lined with wild orchids.

At night, in our rare and splendid area of darkness, we can see the Milky Way in all its glory.

During the day we can walk among wildlife, dreaming for a moment we are the sole representatives of the human race.

Yes, we have gorse and bog fires, but they don't outrun a speeding car.
Our land stays still; no significant tectonics.

The odd mudslide, once a year or so.
Flooding, yes, increasingly.

If I ever buy a house, it’ll be on a hill.

Flying low over Ireland, you fully appreciate how this nation is a shcattering of green bumps and lumps, sticking out of vast and many puddles.

We have windstorms in winter but little snow, and over 300 days a year between 10C and 20C.

I’ll take that.

I’ll take it all, with clifftops clear of hotels.

©Charlie Adley
21.07.2023.

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