President Obama is coming to see me today!

It’s brilliant! Pure fantastic! The President of the United States of America is coming to my house today, to visit me. Yes, you read that right! That’s himself, the actual President of the actual United actual States, coming to visit your very own colyoomist in my very own house.

Any moment, he’ll be here. Should’ve been here a few hours ago, like, but he’s a busy man,
so I’ll let him off. Sure, ye’ll have that in small towns and built-up areas.

Can’t wait to meet him. Barack Obama, coming to see me. Sounds amazing, unbelievable almost, but it says so right here in the newspaper. ‘The President will be visiting his eighth cousin, in the village where his Great Great Great Grandfather used to live, until he left to live in America.'

Uncanny! Yes we can!

That’s me, isn’t it! Just to be on the safe side, I unleashed the full might of this colyoom’s entire research department onto the case, because it’d be terribly embarrassing to be wrong about something as huge as this, and not one of my dedicated team of professionals has failed me.

They have proved beyond doubt that I have an eighth cousin directly descended from the Kenyan half of  President Obama’s family, and incredibly, as if that wasn’t enough, I also am an eighth cousin completely related to President Obama’s Hawaiian half of the family as well. Add in the Irish half, my English half and my Jewish half, and you’re gradually seeing where I’m coming from.

So many halves must make more than a whole, so it’s beyond question. We’re related, Barack and me, in so many ways. I can’t wait to meet him. It’ll be like we’ve known each other all of our lives. Bound to be, if you think about it, because so many of our ancestors shared the same lives, altogether.

I’m the eighth cousin living in Ireland that me long lost cousin Barack is coming to visit, and as if to prove it, my research team didn’t stop there. They have also failed to uncover anything to disprove the fact that one of my Great Great Great Grandfathers left Ireland to go to America.

Way beyond pure coincidence, you have to agree. Chance is a notion we left behind long ago in this process. What we are using here is genealogy and heredity and good old-fashioned state-of-the-art pure cold science  - that’s what’s at work here. So it’s definitely me he’s coming to see. Stands to reason.

If that’s not proof enough for you, ye miserable damp begrudging puddle of doubters, it says right here in the paper that President Obama is going to visit his ancestral home. They’re even calling it ‘The Homecoming’. The newspaper states very clearly that Obama’s ancestral home is a little house where his ancestral family don’t actually live any more. It’s not his family that live there now, d’y’see, and the house itself is not exactly the same house as the one which both his and my Great Great Great Grandfather left from, to move to America, because it’s had a bit of work done to it, d’ya’know

All that historical and up-to-the-minute detail right there in the paper, and all it’s saying to me is:  

‘This is your house, Charlie Adley!’

Can’t wait. What an honour. He’ll be here any moment.
Must be me.
Nobody else has eighth cousins, do they?