One day I discovered I was a success!

Thanks to caricatures-ireland.com

In 2003 I was incredibly down on myself. The emotions I needed to write the novel were too raw; too painful to access.

As I complained in my journal at the time, it felt like grabbing hold of shards of glass.

Feeling like a failure as a writer, I sat at the kitchen table listening to the radio, where a woman was talking about people who live off their writing.

She said that at that time there were less than 30 people in Europe who were making their entire living by writing whatever they wanted.

My head rose from its downward stare to soak up the sunlight coming through the window. My spirit made a similar journey.

That’s exactly what I was doing. I was one of those less-than-30 people.

I had my Double Vision column in the Connacht and City Tribunes, and my Diary of a Blow-In column was running in the Irish Examiner. The features editor of the Irish Examiner used everything I sent him.

I’d had a good few features published in the Irish Times and the inestimable Martin Doyle was then editor of the Irish Post in the UK, and he was buying my features regularly.

Living in a lovely farmhouse in North Mayo, paying €80 a month rent I was clearing over 400 quid a week (a fair wad 20 years ago) by scribbling exactly what I wanted for all those different publications.

When people described me as a journalist I didn’t want to seem like a pretentious prat, but I never felt like a journalist, because I never wrote a news story.

I wrote exactly what I wanted, the way I wanted to. When I went on holiday to Greece, I wrote about my holiday to Greece. If I went to Galway and got drunk, I wrote about going to get drunk in Galway.

When the government pissed me off I wrote about that, and if I sat on my back step and watched the clouds and the birds, I wrote about clouds and birds, and sold the piece.

Far from a failure, I realised I was a privileged and successful writer. My work was pure pleasure. 

For 27 years my scribbling paid the rent, but there’s more to life than rent, so below is a list that I’ve been updating all my life, never really thinking I would use it.

As you read the list you will think ‘Oh my God, he’s milking every single opportunity!’ and that's exactly right. This is not a list of all my jobs.

This is a list of every single way I’ve earned money over the decades. Here’s the story of what this scribbler did to get by.

What are not listed are the thousands of freebies I (and every other writer) wrote for friends, colleagues, and anyone who asked for a little favour. 

1 - Unloading trucks, London
2 - Handyman/Driver, London
3 - Bakery Cleaner, London
4 - Santa Claus, London
5 - Envelope stuffer, London
6 - Transporting models to catwalk, London
7 - Children’s tutor, London and Bradford
8 - Lift operative, Harley Street surgery
9 - Photocopier marketer, London
10 - Barman. The Gate, Northwood
11 - PR, Equestrian Statues, London
12 - Roadie, Equestrian Statues, London
13 - Record shop assistant, Record Fayre, London
14 - Newspaper game designer, London
15 - Community Letter writer, London
16 - Sales Incentive Game designer, London
17 - Sales Recruiter, London
18 - Sales trainer, London
19 - Gardener, London
20 - Magazine distributor, London
21 - Car Washer, London
22 - Market Researcher, London
23 - Cardboard factory sales, London
24 - Truck Hire Administrator, London
25 - Snow Clearer, London
26 - Babysitter, London
27 - Video Shop manager, London
28 - Milkman’s Assistant, London
29 - Unistrut Worker, London
30 - Gas Station attendant, London
31 - Domestic cleaner, London
32 - Squash Club manager, London
33 - Meat truck driver, London
34 - Warehouse worker, London
35 - Industrial cleaners salesman, Cambridge
36 - Barman, The Mill, Cambridge
37 - Roadie, Perfect Vision, Cambridge
38 - Columnist, Freebase Kevin, Cambridge/Galway
39 - Venue manager/Kiosk attendant, Bradford
40 - Barman, The Biko Bar, Bradford
41 - Laundry worker, Bradford
42 - Barman, The Peel, Bradford
43 - Car Telesales, Bradford
44 - Beer festival organiser, Bradford
45 - Student Residence Cleaner, Bradford
46 - Pizza chef, Bradford
47 - Cinema advertising Sales, South-West England
48 - Paxo Stuffing Roadshow driver, touring
49 - Glass manufacturers stand operative, touring
50 - Car detailer, Melbourne, Australia
51 - Kitchen Porter, Kinsale, Ireland
52 - Flyer’s deliverer, Galway
53 - Columnist, Pink O’Bum - Galway
54 - Columnist, Lionel's Labours Lost, Galway
55 - Columnist, Andy Prince - Galway
56 - Youth Worker, Bethany, Galway    
57 - Youth Worker, Mon an Oige, Galway
58 - Youth Worker, Crisis Drop - in Centre, Galway
59 - Mail room worker, San Francisco
60 - Café bookkeeper, San Francisco
61 - Shelf-builder, San Francisco
62 - Document puller, San Francisco
63 - Accounts assistant, San Francisco
64 - Receptionist/Telephonist, San Francisco

65 - Escrow Assistant, San Francisco
66 - File clerk, San Francisco
67 - Receptionist, Architect’s office, San Francisco
68 - Assistant to the Dean, University of San Francisco
69 - Receptionist, Family Mosaic, San Francisco
70 - Receptionist, Allied Digital Technologies, San Francisco
71 - Administrator, University of San Francisco
72 - Receptionist, Engineering Office, San Francisco
73 - Mail distributor, Goldman Sachs, San Francisco
74 - Assistant, Law Office of Donna Brorby, San Francisco
75 - Assistant to Real Estate Appraiser, Santa Rosa
76 - Telephonist, NA Mortgage Company, Santa Rosa
77 - Receptionist, Donald Judd, CPA., Santa Rosa
78 - Rewrite editor, Jim Boulden, Cyberspace
79 - Claim expediter, State Farm Insurance, Rohnert Park
80 - HR Assistant, Homecoming Financial, Petaluma
81 - Construction labourer, Pacific Heights, San Francisco
82 - Shipping clerk, Kendall Jackson Winery, Santa Rosa
83 - Company Secretary, Monterey Import, Cotati
84 - Columnist, ‘Addled Impressions’, Galway City Tribune
85 - Geriatric care worker, Taylors Hill, Galway
86 - Fundraising consultant, NUI Galway
87 - Age Action Charity Shop Manager, Galway
88 - Arts Festival Crew, Galway
89 - Feature writer, Magpie Magazine, Ireland
90 - Cleaner, Bellissimo, Galway
91 - Feature writer, Irish Post, U.K.
92 - Cleaner, Nimmo’s Wine Bar, Galway
93 - Minority Sports interviews, Irish Examiner
94 - Diary of a Blow-in Column, Irish Examiner
95 - Fish farm, Palmerstown, Killala
96 - Feature writer, Irish Examiner ‘Bricks and Mortar’
97 - Tutor to autistic child, Crossmolina, Co. Mayo
98 - Feature writer, Irish Examiner weekend supplement
99 - Copywriter, Target Communications, Barcelona
100 - Feature writer, Irish Examiner weddings supplement
101 - E-zine writer, Target Communications, Barcelona
102 - Off Licence Worker, Ballina, Co. Mayo
103 - Wine Shop worker, Salthill, Galway
104 - Youth Worker, Ballybane Traveller Youth Project
105 - Columnist, ‘Double Vision’, Connacht Tribune
106 - Youth Worker, Salthill Traveller Youth Project
107 - Feature writer, Irish Times health supplement
108 - Craft of Writing teacher, Killala, Co. Mayo
109 - Craft of Writing teacher, Galway Arts Centre
110 - Craft of Writing teacher, 1-1, Salthill, Galway
111 - Craft of Writing teacher, Westside Community Centre
112 - Craft of Writing teacher, Co.Tipperary

 

Don't think they'll all go on my CV.